Assassin's Creed 2 review *

Remember all of the free-running, horse riding, stealth killing "fun" from the first Assassin's Creed?  I do.  The second addition in the franchise is fantastically...the same.The story is slightly different but all of the missions are eerily similar.  So similar that you may need to check the box a few times to make sure there is actually the number 2 on it.   You play an Italian nobleman named Enzio, who looks and acts like Altair from the first game (I do realize they are related, but no two people are this much alike)  The setting is Italy during the Renaissance instead of Jerusalem.  Although everything looks the same (this isn't surprising being as Italy has taken a lot of it's styling cues from ancient Israel) it is a "nice" change.  I also think they are trying to sell more games to Canada.  Ubisoft's newest ad slogan is:  "Assassin's Creed 2- Run around inside a boot!"

There are added bonuses, like being able to kill your horse when you are tired of it and the authorities being alerted when you ride slower than a standstill.  The graphics are amazing and very assassiny.  Ubisoft has outdone themselves with this one.  They showed in demos that everything is "better":  killing, hiding, swimming (you can do that now, which makes it better), free-running and even walking.  The fact that you are still wearing a robe is mind blowingly stupid.  It's been a few hundred years, you think they would have invented pants by that time.  It's really confusing, are you killing people because you want to go to sleep or are you doing it because they woke you up?  And why are you so tired?  Could it be because you are out at all hours of the day killing people for keeping you awake?  It's an endless circle.  Pants would solve the situation and let the Enzio get to his real mission of doing things like wine tasting and pretending to like girls.
You also have a secret relationship with Leonardo Da Vinci, who makes you things for some reason.  Not sure what it is, but it is highly suspicious.

With every "great" assassin story there is always a reason for the assassin to kill .  Enzio kills to get revenge on the people that killed his banker father.  There are a few problems with this.

1.   Rich kids hate their fathers. 
2.   Rich kids usually couldn't kill anyone except for the occassional prostitute (and that is usually covered up by their fathers) 
3.   Bad guys usually kill the children and family of the rich father (this is a good plot line, UBISOFT!)  
4.   Rich kids that wear robes all day usually stay at home and watch TV and harass the help. 
5.   NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE STORY! (the last point is the truest of all the points)

Is killing people the best way for one to use his talents?  Think about it.  If I had amazing knife skills I would go into show business, or open a Benihana  (Where dinner is the show).  Flipping knives around and chopping food at lightning speed while throwing seasoning and chunks of food at customers is highly entertaining, the epitomy of fun.  Enzio is really missing his calling here, and so is Ubisoft.  This game should be a chef game called "Cooking Assassin".  That would be a great seller, a number one across the boards in all console and handheld markets. (I should really pitch these ideas to developers)
Enzio is the good guy, right?  It makes sense considering he kills all kinds of people in specialized ways, most of the time with knives.  Wait a minute...no it doesn't.  It makes sense if he's a serial killer!  Great, now we're idolizing serial killers.  First Dexter, now Enzio.  Think about it:  He kills in secret.  He has no real friends of his own.  He's really quiet and reserved.  His mother thinks he's great.  He uses knives to cut people up and continues to do it on a daily, if not hourly, basis.  That should add some extra points for review scores.

Let's sum it up and give some review points:

• Same game, different story:  1 point
• Assassiny graphics:  2 points
• Swimming included in this sequel: 1 point
• Robe:  -1 point
• Leonardo DaVinci:  no points
• Father issues: 1 point
• Unrealistic story:  2 points
• Having a story line:  -3 points
• Benihana: 2 points
• Ubisoft not making "Cooking Assassin": -2 points
• Serial killer in a game:  3 points
• Ubisoft lying about Enzio being a serial killer:  -2 points
• Reviews having a point system: -4 points

Grand total:  0

My advice:  Pick this one up if you want to make up your own mind and really want to play Assassin's Creed 2.  If not, rent it at least one time.  I know I might not.

* disclaimer:  This is a fake "review" and should be taken as cynicism and good plain fun.  Viva La Clancysoft!