I am clinically depressed.
If you look up the checklist (from www.uclahealth.org/resnick/checklist-for-depression) you
will find the following list:
- Depressive mood. Do
you suffer from feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or pessimism for
days at a time?
- Sleep disturbance. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night or trouble
staying asleep, or are waking up in the middle of the night or too early
in the morning? Are you sleeping too much?
- Chronically fatigued. Do you frequently feel tired or lack energy?
- Isolation. Have
you stopped meeting with family or friends? Increasing isolation and
diminished interest or pleasure in activities are major signs of
depression.
- Appetite disturbance. Are you eating far less than usual—or far more? Severe
and continuing appetite disturbance is often an indication of depression.
- Inability to concentrate. If you can't seem to focus on even routine tasks,
it's probably time to get some help.
- Dependence on mood-altering substances. If you depend on alcohol or other drugs
to make it through the day, you may be suffering from
depression. Often, the substance abuse causes symptoms that mimic the
appearance of clinical depression, but are, in fact, due wholly to the
drug use.
- Feeling a sense of inappropriate guilt
- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide or a suicide
attempt.
It used to be that I checked off every single
point except for attempts or thoughts of suicide. That changed a couple of
months ago when I was taking an antidepressant that had the side effect of
suicidal thoughts. I do not want to give a name because side-effects are
different for everyone (and I wouldn’t want to be sued if this article trended
anywhere).
To make a short story
shorter: I was dealing with a minor bout of depression, which still happens on
medication though less frequent, and was driving to the store. Doing about 55
mph the thought "You should jerk the wheel into oncoming traffic!"
popped into my head. The two thoughts that stopped me were:
- This could hurt or kill another person. It wasn’t only
my life that could end, which I was fine with, but the other person didn’t
have a choice. One could argue if any of us really have a choice in when
we go. That is both yes and no, but it shouldn’t be up to myself to
determine that for another.
- The insanity of the thought. There are levels of
depression that I have gone to, like lying in bed all day curled up in a
ball under a blanket or finding the bottom of a growler or two, but never
pulling my own plug. That isn’t who I am. Life may seem like shit
sometimes, but I want to see how this whole chaotic mess plays out. I’m
here until the credits roll.
Since this was not a personality trait that I am
used to, or ever want to get used to, I contacted my doctor and was taken off
of the medication. That was quite a few months ago and I am still off of
depression medication. I have also gone through a few heavy bouts of depression
since then and may go back on a different med in the near future. For now, I am
dealing with things.
If you battle with depression CASH may be able to
help. I’m not talking about money, though that would help any depressed person
be happy in the short term, CASH stands for the following:
Conversation:
Talk to another person. It doesn’t
need to be about your problems, but the interaction will help. It’s best if the
other person was in the same room/area.
Action: Do
a nice thing for someone and be as anonymous as possible. Create the miracle you aren’t experiencing for someone
else. It shouldn’t matter whether the other person is in need or not, it is
more about showing another person that they matter.
Sleep. Sleep is important for mental and physical health. One
of my favorite comedians, Derek Sheen, gives the best advice on wanting to kill
yourself: “Wait until the next day. Wait. Just wait until morning. Sleep
through it. Wait until morning. Literally shit changes overnight.” (Derek
Sheen, Disasterbation, Depression: Fun Ways to Kill Yourself, 2017). I can
attest to this and wholly recommend going to bed early and sleeping for 8-10
hours. Healthy amounts of sleep are good for all types of health.
Humor: Listen
to or watch something funny. Find
a favorite comedian, or comedy, and get some laughs in. Laughter is the best
medicine.
To get the best results I recommend doing all four, just not
at the same time. Depending on what time of day it is could affect what you do
first. It’s really easy to find funny material these days. YouTube it, or
listen to a comedy mix on Pandora or Spotify, or pop a funny movie in the DVD
player. Call a friend for a quick chat, or get in touch with a professional.
Many companies offer Employee Assistance Programs that are easy to access and anonymous.
If that isn’t available, then there are hotlines that a person can call. Acts
of kindness can be anything. Hold a door open, or help someone in the grocery
store parking lot by putting their empty cart back. Sometimes, dealing with
your pain means helping others with their own.
Life is hard, and depression makes it harder. Depression makes
a person feel alone and unable to do anything. The thing that we all need to
remember is that depression happens to almost everyone at some point in time.
Usually the bouts last for only a few weeks and most people cope with it and
move on. For some of us, it is a never ending battle that takes a lot of work
to deal with, and most of us do, usually without letting anyone know. That’s a
problem that I constantly deal with, not telling anyone when I am depressed.
That’s why I go to a licensed counsellor, it’s easier than opening up to
friends and it forces me to talk about my issues. The important part is
sharing, because when you give words to how you are feeling it creates a
barrier for the bad stuff, like suicide or self-harm. You wouldn’t rob a bank
if you told someone that you didn’t have any money and wanted to rob a bank. It
makes you accountable to that person and to yourself.
I don’t know if I will ever win my battle with depression,
but doing the things discussed above helps a lot and keeps me going. I hope
this post helps you in your battle, or gave insight for how to help a friend or
loved one.
The National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255
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